Ms. Santos' Random Thoughts

Forever After

Mssantos — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:34:31 GMT

I remember when I was young thinking that when you get older and get married and all that adult stuff that's when all the relationship drama and bullshit came to an end. Then as I got older I realized that sometimes people get married because they are older and think it is time to commit and settle and start a family. And sometimes consenting adults get married because they are in love and can't imagine life without one another. Then expectedly or unexpectedly life takes a turn or simply goes on and 2 individuals who were once so perfectly made for each other no longer are.

A couple very dear to me has taken this turn. It breaks my heart not only for them but for married couples everywhere. Marriage sometimes is like nosediving into the unknown. It's like the 17 year old high school boy that decides his fate by declaring a college major before his balls have fully dropped. Commitment is a terrifying thing and I can see why so many people are terrified of it. Individuals can't predict which way their partner will grow. We can't even predict which way we'll grow. I am not entirely sure where I am going with this. Just random thoughts as I just celebrated my1st wedding anniversary as a couple very dear to me is going through a divorce. I guess like everything in life you take your chances on what you believe in and the course of life makes it happen or not.

Yanks

Mssantos — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:07:07 GMT

I am officially a Yankees fan. I wasn't always but now I am. Raised a Jersey girl, I've always had a fondness for the Yanks. But I'll be honest I never really understood the insane passion that went into being a fan. The kind of dedication that leads someone to tattoo their team's logo onto their flesh or buy everything from magnets to socks to beer cozies representing their team. I was the kind of fan that said the day after the big game, "Did they win? Awesome!". Yes that was me.

Then 4 years ago I met the biggest Yankees fan I've ever met. My husband and his family bleed blue. First he bought me the jersey. Naturally the hat followed. I didn't really think it was my look but what the heck. He just had to remind me when they were playing.

Last week, I think game 3, my hubby went to a local sports bar to check out the game. After running some errands I decided to join him. What began as a solo event grew into a table of 5. Tammy noticed there were five parties of 1 each with their solo cheering section. One by one she gathered the guys. Everyone was for it because let's face it, Mariner's fans hate the Yanks. Jose was among the group and he had unofficially created the NW Yankee fan group. His group went to games together and gathered at local pubs for the ones they had to miss.

Game 4. My husband was out of town and I went to represent for this party of 2. The group I met along with a few others that found us had grown. We drank, we cheered, we chanted. I left early for Halloween 2009 (see earlier post).

Game 5. I get to the pub to meet my peeps in the back room we've now reserved as private. We hug, we high 5. My husband is stuck in an airport and we all talk about how much it sucks. We drink, we cheer, we chant, we cry. We're ok because game 6 will be home and my husband can watch them win.

Game 6. My husband is back. Our group has tripled in size. I don't know 1/2 these people but eff it. We're all buddies. We're all wearing blue and we're all chanting the same chants. Then we get annoying and start chanting everything to the "Let's go Yankees" 4 syllable chant. The bar hates us. Shit. I'm a fan and I find us annoying. "KA ATE HUD SON!" "KA ATE HUD SON!" every time A-Rod does something awesome. We talk about what part of Jersey or New York we're from. We talk about work, kids, nothing.

So now I'm a fan whether for the right or wrong reasons. I love the Yanks. There's a camaraderie among fans that I finally get. It is awesome. I look forward to next season when I can remind my husband to put on his jersey.

Halloween 2009

Mssantos — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:26:09 GMT

I had the most bizarre night that I almost don't know how to articulate. But I will try.

My husband is out of town this weekend so I decided to go ahead and plan something fun for Halloween. Recently I made a new friend, I'll call her Tube Top. TT is my neighbor and we met about 2 months ago. She is the kind of person that will drink with you until you pass out and take you out for Bloody Mary's on her tab as soon as you come to. She's spontaneous and has an unending supply of energy that comes from god-knows-where. She doesn't work and is supported by her wealthy father who supposedly doesn't know she isn't working or has a suspended license for her DUI. I met her parents and it's true. So TT is a character. She is also the kind of person that is so well guarded that I think even she doesn't know who she is. I call her friend but she is an acquaintance at best. I know she doesn't know this because one day she said to me, "You don't have many girlfriends do you? I mean no offense." None taken because I have a ton and none of them will ever meet her.

A few weeks ago Tube Top asked me if I wanted to go to a swanky Halloween party with her at the W Hotel. A classy joint for sure and an eye out for plans why would I refuse? Not wanting to spend any money on a costume I borrowed a risque referee costume she had stuffed in the corner of her bottom drawer. The party started at 8:30. She arrived after midnight.

When I got to her place at 9:30 she didn't have a stitch of makeup on and was waiting on another friend to arrive. After 1/2 hour I decided to meet up and go ahead with another group of friend's that TT had recruited for this party.

The party was something. As something as a party would be in the massive ballroom of a 5 star hotel with over 800 people dressed up in their holiday best. Awesome that I went. I will never do it again.

I know Tube Top arrived with her equally awesome acquaintance in tow. We saw them before they left after staying for about 1/2 hr. I went out for a quick smoke, got a text from TT who wound up at out Divers, our local favorite bar. Already several drinks deep and drunk I spotted a cab on this hectic night and hopped in to join them.

When we got back to our building she offered to walk my dog. I gave her my keys and passed out on her bed. Upon her arrival I decided it was time to go. My keys were no where to be found. I'll tell you there are no words that can express how annoying 3 drunk people in a studio trying to figure out what happened to lost keys can be. Tube Top obviously got into my apartment to get my dog. She swore on her life she gave the keys back to me which was impossible because I was in bed. TT's friend chimed in and told me I had them because she walked my dog. Exactly. It made no sense. So I gave up and curled up in a fetal position on an oversized chair in her studio. TT cranked up the music at 3 am. Another friend shows up at 4. TT decides she wants to get more drunk. It's loud and I decide that I need to make like I'm knocked out in a theater with surround sound in order to keep it all together. I go to pee. I see my reflection and I look like a cheap hooker out of hell.

I'm staring at the clock, only 3 more hours to go before the office opens and they can let me back home. Wait. Today is Daylight Savings Time. Fuck me.

To top this all off I'm dog sitting my friend's dog this weekend. I have the keys to his apartment. I know this because TT and her friend keep reminding me that I do in fact have my keys as they point to not-my-keys repeatedly throughout the night. 9 am and 1 hour to go. Wait, make that 2. I go to my friend's to walk his dog and pass out on his couch. Why didn't I do this 6 hours ago?

Six hours have passed and I am still in a daze from last night's events. I look in mirror before hopping into the shower to wash off the day old washed up hooker look. I decide it's not a good look for me.

Pissed

Mssantos — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:23:08 GMT

I am pissed. My dad just left me a voicemail telling me that him and mom are going to Maine next week. Last year was worse when they told me they were going to San Francisco "because why not?!" I'll tell you why not. What about because your daughter moved to Seattle over 3 years ago and you've never visited. At 1st it was because my boyfriend and I were living in sin. I get that. Now that we're married there is no reason! None! So when you tell me that you're traveling to this that and the other thing it hurts. It hurts when I see that my one friend Maria's parents have visited her so many times since she's moved from Wisconsin that she's literally lost count. It angers me when my husband's dad has been out here twice and his parents came together once they had enough money saved to visit both sons on the west coast.

I get that my parents aren't the warm fuzzy type and we can go weeks without speaking on the phone. That's just how we are. But I've told them I wanted them to see my beautiful city. I invited them several times to my home.

So I am sincerely hurt. It's raining and I have to meet my friends for a birthday celebration. So thanks for letting me vent.

Ode to PNN

Mssantos — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:04:33 GMT

It's amazing how some of the seemingly mundane choices we make impact our lives. This summer I joined PNN for all the wrong reasons; in quest for money. Not only did it become a forum and sounding board for my most random thoughts, it became therapeutic. Soon after I started writing for another blog that I did get paid for but it lacked the compassion and sincerity that I dedicated here.

This afternoon fellow PNNer Hali offered to pick me up to meet PNNer Carm for dinner. Since moving to Seattle I developed an anxiety towards driving which I can discuss at another time. I graciously accepted her offer. Hali drives stick. I am impressed. She conquered her 1st major hill at a stop with me in the car. She is my inspiration. Not only did she pick up and move across the country with nothing but a pocketful of hope, but she's kicking ass at it.

Carm lives in the most charming house built at the turn of the century with something new to be discovered in every room. Her and her groom have a penchant for decking their house out for Halloween. It's an inviting and inspiring feeling. She gives me a glimpse of the life I would want if I were still a suburban gal; the house, the 2 beautiful daughters complete with backyard and wheel barrow. The only thing missing was the white picket fence which is only a Home Depot trip away.

I think about the people we meet here and the stories that will never be written about. I have made some amazing friends here on PNN. We are a forum of wonderful and varied people.

It's amazing how some of the seemingly mundane choices we make impact our lives.

For All Intents & Purposes

Mssantos — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:57:23 GMT

For all intents and purposes I just need to put it out there that for years I thought this phrase was, "for all intensive purposes".

It was a Friday sometime last summer. A friend of my husband and I came to visit from PA. Brilliant man, he's the head of the calculus department at a prestigious private high school in Manhattan. He told us the very same story I stated above. A look of confusion came over my face as I said, "So it's not for all intensive purposes?". It was not. I, like him, thought if it's a serious enough point you're trying to make then it is in fact intense. Although that wasn't the case.

Last night I repeated that very story to my friend Maria. On that note I told her that my friend Brian was devastated when he learned well into his 30's that a pony doesn't grow up to become a horse but in fact an adult pony. I look up to see poor Maria with that familiar confused look. She just found out. "So what are baby horses called?". I didn't know.

Lastly I recall finding out that a wheel barrow is not a wheel barrel. Hey, in my defense I never saw the thing written out so as far as I was concerned it sounded like a wheel barrel therefore it was. So I wonder what else it is I am saying incorrectly. But for all intents and purposes I get by.

In case you were wondering. It's a foal.

Oxymoron

Mssantos — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:32:02 GMT

I am an oxymoron. I always have been and I'm not quite sure how this happened to me. Although I am well aware that a proper portion of meat is equivalent to a deck of cards I'll do things like have an entire T-bone steak for dinner complete with garlic mashed potatoes and vegetables with 2 glasses of wine. Then I'll head over to the local bar for a vodka soda and a few shots of something tasty. The very next day I'll start my day with 2 eggs and black coffee, run 5 miles and have 2 more high protein meals more appropriate to my size than yesterday's meal.

I have the occasional cigarette when I drink but sometimes I drink more than twice a week and "occasional" becomes anything but. I'm also at the gym approximately 5 times a week and pretty religious about cardio and weights. Then I'll get a hankering for a neon meal like a bag of Cheetos and a Mountain Dew. But I'll bet your last dollar that I will happily snack on raw almonds and light yogurt the rest of the week and feast on grilled chicken, tofu and steamed vegetables and do it all with a smile.

It's like I have that little devil sitting on my left shoulder. You know, the one that's always on TV next to his angel counterpart on the right shoulder. Only I think I have a demon sitting atop each wing on my back.

Commador 64

Mssantos — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:09:06 GMT

I got a new computer last Saturday. I'm 30ish-ish and I've never ever owned my own computer. Since dad got the ol' Commador 64 back in '83 I think, he's been my computer source (dad that is, not the Commador). Then thankfully my boyfriend turned fiance turned husband had one too. Then it got sick. It got a virus and that was that. From that point on I wanted a MAC. And I gots me a fucking MAC. Now I feel all growns up and stuff. I turned to my husband as I handed over my AMEX to the mac guy and said, "Hon this is the 1st time I'm dropping over a grand on something that's NOT a pocketbook!" Oh gosh I thought that was funny. Him, not so much.

Oh how I've missed you PNN. It's been a long time and I've noticed it's been like that for some of the old crew. I'm looking forward to writing again. I've really missed it and I've really missed the interaction and feedback.

I think part of why I stopped writing too is because a lot my friends became followers and I noticed guards being put up. How do I talk about Jane's idiotic choices when Jane tells me she's been following my blog? A blessing and a curse but I love that you guys visit and I hope you continue to. I'll share the stories as they come and I look forward to it.

It's been a long trip but it's good to be home!

Funktified and it Sucks

Mssantos — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:49:38 GMT

Have you ever had one of those days where you're in a terrible funk and you can't quite put your finger on what it is that's troubling you? I'm having one of those days.

My computer has had a virus for about 3 weeks now and I've been relegated to using our apartment's common area computer only when available. I want a Mac because so I'm done with PC's and dammit those frickin, 'Hi, I'm a MAC and I'm a PC' commercials are genius. Unfortunately my husband doesn't think it's in our best interest to get a new computer at this time. I can't imagine that my being unemployed for 8 months would have anything to do with it. Also I hate his computer because a sugar momma he used to do got it for him before I was a twinkle in his eye. Normally this doesn't bother me since now what's his is ours but eh. Shitty day brings up shitty feelings.

My job is uninspiring. I know, I know you hear shit all the time about how you're not supposed to bitch about work online because god forbid so and so sees it and blah blah blah. Happy to be working? Yes? Inspired? zzzzzz. So what is it I want to do? I don't know. Such pressure pisses me off.

My husband works too much. It hasn't always been like this. As a matter of fact we were amazed about the true work life balance that Seattle had to offer for the 1st couple of years. Then after his 2nd promotion it all became a thing of the past. Now he's gone 12-14 hours a day. I actually miss him I try to show support. I don't bother him with calls, texts, emails unless it's important or something completely stupid that will make him laugh. I don't complain about not eating dinner together anymore and just appreciate the time we share on the weekends. Then last night I got drunk and all the reservations I had came spewing out of my mouth in some incoherent bitchy babble. Surprisingly nothing good came out of it and I washed down a sleeping pill with some PBR to finish the night already. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I was like, "Oh WTF did I do that for?". I immediately apologized and he understood. We had our eggs and coffee and parted ways for the day.

So here I am funky and sad eyed in the common area wanting the last days of Seattle summer sun to perk me up. Poof! I wish.

Seattle Shakedown - Version 1

Mssantos — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:24:03 GMT

Last Saturday I had the pleasure of meeting Carm and Jessicalee. I have to admit I was a little nervous as I had NO IDEA what to expect. Actually, I think I expected a pseudo bachelorette party with like 10 vaguely familiar heads/names all sporting tiaras or boas if not both. Surprisingly I was greeted by a tame party of 3 - Carm, her hubby and Jessica. They're like, "You made it! Looks like it's just us." I was like, "What about all those people that were fired up for the Tacoma Takedown/Seattle Shakedown"?! I was sorely disappointed I think more so than the other 2 because nothing irks me more than people canceling last minute. Especially when people travel for said event. I suppose I should have known based on the non responses to Carm's Seattle Shakedown post. That said, it is what it is and it was what we made of it.

Surprisingly Carm looked nothing like a ladybug but she was as sweet as I imagined her to be. She was drinking something pink. Jessica IS her avitar. Only a bigger version and equally sweet as pie. She was drinking something blue. Carm's hubby has the heart of a saint for tolorating as much estrogen as he did that night because the estrogen levels simply multiplied as the night went on.

Jess' friend "V" joined us shortly after I order something clear. She is awesome with awesome energy and a black eye and we automatically click. Later their other friend joins (dear god I can't remember her name). I call her nipples for the rest of the night because they spoke to me and made quite an impression. An appetizer and few cocktails in, I invite my girlfriend to join since her evening plans ended early. We all head on over to Chopstix.

Chopstix is a dueling piano bar that Jess and Mr. W have been to. The food looked good, the crowd looked better and the energy was amazing. There were also 5000 bachelorette's celebrating and no sausages within an earshot - with the exception of god bless him - Carm's hubby! Later on my hubby and our friend Brian met up to contribute to male / female ratio. Carm gets her first shot EVER, compliments of Ms. Lee. And everyone leaves standing. The night comes to a close and we all hug good bye.

Carm headed home as her and her hubby were heading to Leavenworth to celebrate their anniversary the next day. Jess and her girls headed to Cowgirls Inc. for some serious partying. Me and my crew headed to Divers where we met up with a few more friends.

Although the night turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be, I had fun. It was such a pleasure to meet 2 people that share this intimate world with me and that made it special. Thanks ladies. The pleasure was all mine.

Keeping Disfunction Alive

Mssantos — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 23:04:37 GMT

Today was insane at the Treehouse. For those of you that don't know, it's a place I volunteer at that helps foster families. The Warehouse is a "store" where all the merchandise is free. Now is back to school and everyone is gearing up with "new" clothes and school supplies. I know a glimpse of what I see is just a fraction of the real number of foster families out there and I was overwhelmed.

I continue to volunteer my time because I think it's a wonderful cause and this is a way for me to feel like I'm helping families in need. Although I understand that unforeseeable events happen that affect families with displacement, I sometimes feel frustrated witnessing certain situations. The situation that upset me today was when I met 3 beautiful little girls probably around the ages of 1, 4 and 7. Their foster mom said to me, "You must see lots of grandparents come in here." I agreed. She said, "I was a foster child myself and now I take care of all 3 of my grandchildren." She loved it; sweet woman, happy children (or so it seemed) and just nice people. But how do people allow this cycle to continue? Why have 3 children if you know damn well that you can't even take care of 1? Didn't you learn from your mama? Oh wait...

I know I am no one to judge especially if grandma is loving life and the kids are treated well. But I think it's a disservice to those children keeping the cycle alive. I think it's sad that grandma didn't instill in her daughter the value of parenthood. It angers me to think that more than likely 1 of those 3 girls, if not all of them, will take the wrong path somewhere down the road and give up their children just like mom did and just like grandma did.

Kung Pow Pho Chili

Mssantos — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:34:51 GMT

Yesterday I brought my lunch to work as I do on most days as I am not rich just yet. I had leftover homemade chili in one of those awesome plastic take home containers most Asian restaurants offer.

Erik walked in and is all, "Mmmm. Thai." I'm like "No, not really just chili." Then he goes on about how he just had Thai the other night and take home was in the exact same container.

Carrie walked in and is all, "Mmmm. I smell Chinese." I'm like "No, not really I'm Filipino and this is chili."

I'm not upset I just think it's funny that people still make associations. I mean maybe the container really threw them off or maybe my chili really smells like Chinese. Or maybe I do.

FB - Creating Intimacy or Distance?

Mssantos — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:29:53 GMT

A good friend of mine just gave birth to her second child yesterday. I found out from her husband's sister's status update on Facebook. I gasped in shock as I didn't realize 9 months had already passed. She was a good friend. She is a good friend. Did my oblivion mean our friendship was past tense? Moments later her husband posted pictures of their newest addition and my eyes welled with tears of joy for them. Really? It's been 9 months?

The last time I saw her was in March 2009 and her 4 month bump was barely noticeable with today's trend in flowy tops. We no longer live in the same state and our age has lead us to "other things and busy lives". I think we spoke once since then. Now I'm learning about life altering events from Facebook statuses.

I wonder if Facebook is saving friendships or ruining them.

Yesterday my good friend had her second child, a life altering moment. I think I appreciate the instantaneous updates that our technology allows us to experience. At the same time it saddens me a little that such intimate moments can be transmitted and shared with just about anyone which blur the lines of intimacy for our most precious moments.

Boobies

Mssantos — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 06:57:39 GMT

I love big boobs and I can't wait until the hubby and I are rich enough to buy me a pair. Granted I was born with breasts and some even say it's proportionate to my 5'2" frame. But B is so average and I'm ready for an upgrade. Sure, they're cute and perky (for now) but I want round, voluptuous, decadent breasts. I want to purchase the kind that's round and full and requires no bra. The kind that makes men oogle and women look twice with envy. Yeah, I want those.

I know people that think I'm nuts. I have friends that have gotten breast reductions. I also have a friend that had breast implants. So I understand both sides. I know they can cause back problems and all this stuff but maaan; what I would do to even out these hips and make my middle look smaller. What I would do to once in my life buy a bra that doesn't require padding or "tee shirt support".

I want to be able to turn on the TV and never say to myself again, "Damn I wish I had her tits." I never want to come a across another Playboy and say to myself, "I want those (and YES I know they're airbrushed)." I never want to be at the hot spot in town where all the kiddies play and say....well yeah you get the idea.

Yes, yes I know this all so superficial and shallow. But really, so what? I've got those moments and it's human. When that moment starts in 7th grade and your bra size hasn't gone up since then, then sister, you know it's the real deal. Sure I love what God has given me. I think He's awesome for giving me my shoulders and arms. They're surprisingly skinny and show fantastic muscle tone when I work out. Believe it or not I'm pretty ok with my ass too, rare I know. SO you can't say I'm ungrateful. But all the eating well and daily workouts won't make my breasts bigger. I've tried.

So when times pick up and we recover from the months I have been unemployed, I look forward to the day I go on "vacation" to LA and come back looking refreshed and everyone I know says, "Gosh that vacation did you some good. You look great." I'll stand tall, stick out my sore chest with pride and give them a big fat thank you.

Inconvenient Truth

Mssantos — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:58:57 GMT

I take the bus to work and home; it's a commute that's usually 20 minutes on a good day even during rush hour. Yesterday evening as my bus driver was zipping through the HOV lanes past miles of traffic she said, "There's a terrible accident on the bridge. There WILL be delays." Sure enough the lane ended and our traffic just begun.

The not knowing exactly where the problem is or how long you'll be in traffic is the part that can drive you out of your mind. About an hour into our non journey a young lady needed to get off the bus. She had to pee. She pointed to a grocery store about 2 blocks away and said she would just hop on the next bus. About 15 minutes later she came back onto OUR bus since we had only moved about a block or so.

An hour and a half later, the middle aged man next to me asked if he could use my phone. I reluctantly gave it to him so he could call his woman about being late and possibly "missing group tonight". About a 1/2 hour after that he asked to use it again. This time to tell his therapist there was no way he was going to make group. Now 2 hours deep people are jumping ship as we can't even make it back onto the freeway.

Finally 3 hours in, past the debris and clean up crews we are on our way home.

The woman in front of me with the unkempt eyebrows starts speaking to the woman across the aisle. She missed her 6 o'clock curfew for the women's shelter and will be spending tonight on the streets. She talked about women getting raped. She said, "It's not fun out there. This city can be a crazy place."

Then I realized for all of us that missed dinner, our favorite TV show or therapy; our inconveniences aren't really inconvenient at all.